December 12, 2011
Suddenly - Back to 49 States.
In a stunning move that has sent shockwaves around the world, President Sarah Palin today authorized the sale of Alaska to Canada for a stunning $3 Trillion. In a move rich with irony on many levels, President Palin made the announcement in a tumultuous press conference.
“No one can imagine how difficult this has been. Unfortunately it is a heartbreaking day for me, my family, and the people of my home state. But, much like Abraham Lincoln, today I had to make a most difficult choice in order to preserve our union, at least 49 states of it. With our country on the verge of economic collapse, this reverses our position and saves us. The money will be used to retire 2 separate trillion dollar debts that were incurred – the Iraq war and the Wall Street bailout of 2008. The rest will be applied to the mounting deficit and return us to sound financial footing. We will only have a deficit of $15 trillion after this transaction.”
When asked about the alternatives, President Palin would not confirm the recent rumors that Indonesia had bid on Hawaii and Japan had bid for Nevada, nor that Canada had also asked for Maine. She did however concede that the rich oil reserves of Alaska were the primary bargaining chip, and the most difficult thing to value, given that oil recently crossed the $200 a barrel mark. With gas at $8 a gallon, and the depression dragging on, it is expected that Wall Street would respond positively.
The response from President Palin’s anticipated 2012 opposition was swift:
Presumed Democratic Nominee Senator Hillary Clinton was quick and vicious, “This is the American people getting what they wanted – 12 straight years of Republican protection of corporate misconduct and irresponsibility at the expense of the common man. A Fire Sale was inevitable – but I never dreamed the assets we would sell off would be our own citizens. This may be the low point in Republican rule. I hope those CEO’s are happy in their mansions.”
Presumed Rational Party Nominee Ron Paul was also quick to comment. “For years my former party was too worried about moral issues like abortion and gay marriage. We forgot about the ethical issues that govern the behavior of our corporations. We failed to protect the everyman, and we’re trying to make up for this by selling America. There’s no precedent for this action. What’s next, sell Louisiana back to the French, and sell Arizona to the Indians?”
Administration officials defended the move. Treasury Secretary Mike Huckabee issued the following statement. “President Palin was presented with a very difficult decision. We have debated this intensely for months as our financial situation deteriorated. With our creditors breathing down our neck, particularly China, we could not risk further foreign ownership of our assets. This way we at least controlled our destiny, unpleasant as it was. We all feel great sympathy for President Palin, but she held out as long as she could, and I must say did a tremendous job in the negotiations with the Prime Minister.”
Analyst reaction ranged from supportive to stunned. The Fox News Network quickly fell in line, most saying that Alaska was a small price to pay for ending the second depression in U.S. history. Sean Hannity said, “First President McCain, then President Palin, have pulled out all the stops trying to end this recession. When the privatization of Social Security and the defeat of Universal Health Care failed to stimulate recovery, it became obvious that bold action had to be taken, or many more U.S. assets would have been seized. The recent failed bid by the Japanese to buy Mr. Rushmore from the US government was just a sign of things to come. They did not take kindly to being rebuffed. When Ford and Chrysler were sold to Toyota and Tata in 2010, it became obvious that we could not compete in the global economy without an incredible infusion of capital.”
MSNBC was not so kind. Keith Olberman said “Our economy has deteriorated to this point because of irresponsible fiscal and governmental policy, period. We as Americans, and our government, by its very structure have been focused on short term and short cuts. We have failed to discipline and regulate our corporations and they have absconded with our economy. If we don’t address the systematic problems we have, we are doomed to repeat this. I wonder how President Bush is going to feel when we put Texas on the block. Will he think Iraq was worth it then?”
President Palin began immediately meeting with legislators as she started the process of clearing the legislative hurdles.
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