Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys hog the headlines in football like the Yankees do in baseball.  Jerry Jones demands more attention than a puppy.

Here's the bad news if you're a Cowboy fan:

1.  Drew Bledsoe was a huge mistake.  It took Jerry & Bill over a year to catch on to what any Buffalo or New England fan could have told you.  He is a statue in the pocket with absolutely no feel for the rush.  Nice arm, no legs - the football equivalent of good field, no hit.

2.  Bill Parcells is either the luckiest coach in history, the most overrated, or at the very least - the game has passed him by.  He hasn't won a playoff game in almost 9 years and could have been 0 -3 in Super Bowls if Scott Norwood had made that kick and if Phil Simms hadn't played the game of his life.  His decision to get embroiled in controversy when he brought New England to play Green Bay in New Orleans in 1997 was a huge distraction that cost the Patriots any chance of victory.  His press conferences display his lack of interest, contempt of the media, and indecision.  He should've retired a long time ago.  Watching him get outcoached week after week is painful - if you buy that he was once a legend.

3.  We'll never know if Romo is the answer as he'll get little coaching.

4.  T.O. is  a cancer.  He'll be in remission for awhile with Romo at QB - but it's only a matter of time before he slices and dices the team.  Jones won't have the guts to release him until it's too late.  

I hate both political parties

As we all know I hate both political parties.  But this year I hate the Republicans more.

Allan Edelstein sent me this:

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hilary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a
bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations but our highest national priority was enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing Health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hilary's cattle trades, but George Bush's full military & driving records are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Yankees

First, let me say I'm sorry that Corey Lidle died in a plane crash.  It's an awful tragedy.

But what I'm really sorry about is the way the Yankees monopolize the sports news.  Why is it news that they got bounced?  Was it news about the 42 teams who didn't make the playoffs?  Why aren't their failures of equal value?  This is the way baseball is suppossed to be.  George has been trying to buy success for about 60 years now.  It doesn't work.  Pitching works.  Why is it such news that ARod struggled just a little this year?  Any team that wouldn't take those stats and plug them in to their lineup?  Does anyone remember oh say the first 20 or so appearances Barry Bonds made in the playoffs before he got juiced?  Sometimes superstars press, struggle, or just get pitched to more carefully.  It's really not front page news.  And when did a manager dangling in the wind like Joe Torre become such a newsworthy event.  Just because half the planet occupies the 5 boroughs doesn't mean the other half of the planet needs to be bombarded with Every Breath George Takes.  Give it a rest.  It isn't the Yankees birth right to win every year, even if they can throw a jillion dollars at it, buying up every used up superstar on their downward slide.  George - buy some flamethrowers if you want to win.  Flamethrowers like John Smoltz win playoff games.  Greg Maddux doesn't.  By the way, there's only one problem with ARod - he's playing out of position.  He needs to move back to shortstop where he belongs (if it's not too late) and his mental sharpness will return.  There is a long list of Hot Corner failures.  ARod sold his soul to go play in pinstripes and got what he deserved. 

ARod - go play for the Cubs where you'll hit 400 homers and own Wrigley.  Of course, you'll have to scream to be heard over the Yankee BS we must endure.

Or, the Saints sure could use you at tight end

TV

Is it my imagination or is Television better than ever?

 

What I’m not talking about:

American Idol (an ok show) and all its Spawnees that require an English judge so that

a. They follow the Simon Cowell formula, and

b. Fit the stereotype that the British are more high-brow than us.

 

Law & Order and CSI Franchises which are ok, but did they have to become cottage industries televised 24 hours a day?

 

Soap Operas which continue to rule day time with what is really soft core porn, so that women can turn up their noses at it at night, because they got their fix at Noon when Alan Michael bedded Wanda Faye.

(I’ve been hearing that name Alan Michael for years.  Couldn’t tell you what he looks like, or if he’s even hetero or not, but I think he illustrates the point.  If you know where I got the name Wanda Faye – you get 5 points.)

 

The Sopranos – overblown and poorly paced soap opera punctuated by some nice gratuitous violence.

Desperate Housewives – over.  If you look back, it never really began, beyond the Charlies Angels Factor (put 3 or more great looking women up there and we’ll watch them.)

The Today Show – which Katie made bearable, but is virtually unwatchable tripe now.

That Fox News Garbage.

 

What I am talking about:

The incredible narratives present in shows like 24, Heroes, The Nine, Lost, Dexter, Weeds, Deadwood, House, Studio 60, and even soapy Grey’s Anatomy.

Letterman, Leno, and Kimmel – all different, but each great in their own way.  They’ve found their niche and let’s hope they stay past 2050.

Great Comedy like Curb Your Enthusiasm

Firefly, which is now being shown on Universal HD.

The beginning and ending music alone on Weeds makes it worth the trip.

And the best show on televison: Real Time with Bill Maher.

Great writing on all - I'm on the couch way too much.

The Actress's Crutch

I get to rant about movies here too. 

Question of the day.

Why is Scarlett Johanssen in every movie?  And why is she smoking?  Is that what passes for acting?  How many young women are being influenced by this idiocy?  A whole generation rests prematurely in peace because they were taught by movies that smoking was cool and sexy.  Seen an old black and white lately?  I mean black and white and smokey.  Everybody's puffing and a cloudy haze hangs in every indoor scene. 

Who decided Scarlett had to be in every movie?  We saw the Black Dahlia and if I've seen 500 movies in my life, this ranks 499th as well as the largest waste of millions of dollars ever hoisted on the American public.  And there's Scarlett.  Smoking away.

I'm not even saying she's a bad actress.  She's ok.  I just want to see a movie without her.  Are directors that lazy?

And can actresses convey that worried, disturbed state of mind any other way than smoking?  I just saw a cute movie on cable with Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet (who's always great) and in the middle of the movie, out of nowhere, there's Amanda - worried and smoking.  It's the actress's shortcut.  (See Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.)  Do all women grab a cigarette at the first sign of distress even if there's no indication they've ever smoked?

Epilogue:  November 14th - Add Emma Thompson to the list.  Her exhibition of writer's block in Stranger Than Fiction centered around her love/hate relationship with her butts.  Surely there was another way for an actress of this skill and magnitude to display her state of mind.

Some suggestions for similar activities that might convey the same message:

1.  Chew Gum

2.  Chew Nails

3.  Chew M&M's

4.  Chocolate in general.

5.  Chew a towel

6.  Kiss the nearest man

7.  Snap your fingers

8.  Display a nervous tic

9.  Curse

The Saints Year in Review to this point

October 9, 2006

Subject:  THE SAINTS ARE COMING

 

The Saints stole one yesterday.  They defeated the Huddling Zebras (Dave Barry would say that would make a great name for a rock band), gave up a lot of running yardage, chose to emphasize passing the ball when their running game was working fine, and chose not to blitz a quarterback starting his first NFL game.  Since I can remember the Saints losing many games in the last quarter, after outplaying the other team for 3, I don't feel too bad about Reggie's heroics.  Special players turn the tide, snatch victory, lift their team.
Was that enough cliches?
 
Two consecutive numbers, 25 & 26, can be seen everywhere in the dome.  We saw why yesterday.  Maybe Glenn Davis and Doc Blanchard are now destined to become the other Mr. Inside & Mr. Outside.
 
I also don't feel too bad about the email I sent to Coach Payton right after the Monday night game.  Sometimes you just have to gloat.
 
 
Coach Payton,
 
Congratulations.
I won't take much of your time.  You discovered something very important last night.
I want to emphasize it.  
 
I've been to many "big games" in the Superdome - over 20 Sugar Bowls, NFL Playoff games, and Super Bowls.   Almost all of them have turned on a big play on special teams.  Anthony Carter returning punts to ruin the Saints.  Desmond Howard in the Green Bay Super Bowl win.  Adam Venitari for New England.  The Rams fumble a punt. The list goes on.  Steve Gleason's punt block now gets added to the list.
 
I'm not sure why, but I believe something about the Superdome surface, perhaps the traction, creates this - puts a premium on speed on quickness - more so than a grass surface.
 
You must understand that this is a blessing and a curse.  I've also seen many a player tear his knee up without even being hit.
 
I have a theory that certain franchises can't win because their home field is too unique, and it is difficult to build a team around your home field advantage that can still compete on the road.
 
Look at the long curses in sports.  The Red Sox and Fenway Park.  The Cubs and Wrigley Field.  The Astros never won when they played in the Astrodome cavern.  Then, the obvious one - The Saints.  The Red Sox finally broke their curse behind who - Johnny Damon, Dave Roberts, Curt Schilling.   They finally won when they added speed and pitching to their wall bangers.  This year they were back to normal.  Great offense, no pitching, bye bye playoffs.
 
The Superdome appears to be a unique playing surface that we've never understood how to build a team to take advantage of it at home, but also win on the road.  But special teams for some reason is critical in the dome and you learned it in one game.  I don't know that our other 13 coaches ever learned it.  You must defense against it and offense for it.  I know you'll figure out how.  
 
Teams scout their opponent.  They even scout the referees.  But do they scout the field?
I just wanted to convey that every big game I've ever attended there has had critical plays on special teams that played a big part in determining the outcome.
I know you'll keep that in mind.  
Great job so far.
 
 
Sometimes I think I have ESPN.
 
See you at the next party November 5th when Tampa gets a rematch.  Here's hoping we saved the blitz packages for that game and can run our record to 3 - 0 against the Bays.  
 
Coming up, McNabb loose on the dome floor could be a little scary next week.  There's just one thing I'm pretty sure of about the NFL -You win games by knocking the quarterback down a lot.  Let's hope we can do that.  Going into the bye week 5-1 would be pretty neat and sweet.
The Eagles picked on the Cowboys' Drew Statue yesterday.  Our Drew's better than their Drew.  Should be another great Superdome experience.
 
The over/under on when Stallworth pulls a hamstring is mid second quarter. 
 

 

October 4, 2006

Saints Report 

Sorry it took me so long to write.  I was devastated to know that the Saints won't be undefeated when they win the Super Bowl, as I predicted.
 
I really can't be faulted though.  Like all good sports, we'll blame this on the zebras who were responsible for the first Panther's score when 8 of them missed Keyshawn Johnson's double dribble, which was clearly seen by Jake Delhomme.  Jake, playing the smart ball he undoubtedly learned when he was with the Saints, scurried his troops to the line and snapped the ball before the zebras awoke.  My story is, and I'm sticking to it, that this cost the Saints the game.
 
Compound this with the blatant cheating by the Panthers who ran for a touchdown when they should have been falling on the ball to run the clock out, forced Drew Brees to go on a last second passing spree that gave us some hope.
 
The Saints then failed to gather an onside kick, the lost art second only to the coffin corner punt.  What do kickers do all day, practice video games?  Why do you kick the ball in the air to the "hands team?"  These are things I don't understand as I enter the world of "I remember when."
 
Despite an expected emotional letdown I really thought the Saints played well and had themselves in position to win.  Unfortunately, the lack of a ground attack smacked of the Iraqi war.  Oh well.  We'll have to settle for 19 - 1.
 
This week and next I expect to be parked in the Dome.  We will reconvene, with Bob Richards doing the cooking, on November 5th.  Be there or be hungry. 

 

 

September 26, 2005

 Subject:  Crescent City Vodoo

 

Admit it - you doubted.
 
You didn't think Deuce was ready to rumble. You didn't think Reggie could slice.  You didn't think Drew was this good.  You didn't think Jeff could command.  You didn't know Bryant could play.  You didn't think Steve would even make the team.  And you didn't think Sean could actually instill discipline into an atmosphere where lack of discipline is a way of life.
 
But here we are - undefeated just as I predicted.
 
Now we face probably the toughest test.  
The Saints must gather their emotions in a short work week and travel to a hostile site to play the pre-season Super Bowl favorite that has to be in a nasty mood after a sub-par start.
 
We must prepare to eat whatever Donnie cooks Sunday.
 
As the party grows, RSVP's become more important, so please let us know if you'll be in that number Sunday at Noon on Espy Ave.
 
 
By the way yesterday was more than just a great football game.  Attending the rebirth of the dome was a magical experience I'm sure I will remember as long as my brain cells allow.
Our journey started with Cowboy Mouth (a fabulous local rock band) inciting a barely controlled pre-game riot that the police finally had to pull the plug on to move the crowd out of the street.  A great pre-game show with U2 & Green Day, terrific Star Spangled treatment by Irma Thomas, and the uncontrolled hysteria within the dome followed.  For the record, I like to sit and watch the game.  Sitting wasn't an option.  I've been to 4 Super Bowls and none of them have approached the electricity Steve, Donnie, Bob, & I experienced last night.  This ranks with the Cal Ripken game as a treasuredfan experience.  If you didn't get to go but watched it on TV I hope your view was equal.
 
Hope to see you Sunday.

 

 

September 18, 2005

Saints subdue cheating Packers.
 
If you didn't show up for the "Saints Away" viewing you missed a good time.  Of course the game was closer than it should have been, but once the zebras told the Packers to quit cheating by knocking the ball out of our quarterback's hands, we were off and marching.
 
New Coach Sean Payton appears oblivious to numerous Saints traditions, but most obviously he inexplicably is requiring that this team play for all 4 quarters.  He appears to have a blatant disregard for our long-standing rituals.  Often referred to as "Mora-Ball" this custom was refined during the Jim Mora era, and executed to perfection by Bobby Hebert.  Coach Mora would have been a wonderful boss to work for, as he always allowed his team to take the 2nd half off, except for Morten Anderson whom he obviously had it in for.
 
The Jim Haslett era was marked by rampant unpredictability, as you never knew which 2 quarters the Saints were going to play.  In the first couple of years Aaron Brooks even led some disturbing 4th quarter comebacks, but Coach Haslett was able to quickly remedy that trend by releasing Willie Jackson, a sometime offender, and replacing him with "Hamstring" Stallworth, who was made for Mora-ball.
 
There are other disturbing trends emerging.  Drew Brees does not seem inclined to fold his tent.  Reggie Bush darts around like an energizer bunny.  Deuce McAllister is pounding ahead like a freight train.  Rookies are contributing.  The defense plays every down.  The offensive line moves people around and the special teams look like they know what they're doing.
 
These are all new to us, but no surprise to me.
 
Remember you heard it here first when I predicted an undefeated season including a Super Bowl victory.  
 
Now, I'm off to the Monday night game.  I'm leaving now, so that by the time the game starts I will be ready.
 
We will reconvene on Sunday October 1st at Noon when the Saints go to embarrass that team wearing those pansy blue and white uniforms in "Carolina," which is apparently some kind of merged state, or a blatant attempt to save on lettering.
 
By the way, in case you want to make plans, it is fairly obvious the Saints will beat the Bears in the NFC Championship game and the Chargers in the Super Bowl.  
Don't know why the NFL is even going to bother with the rest of the schedule.
 
See you on October 1st.  I'll be sending out a menu before hand.  It will be highlighted by the stylings of Chef Donnie of Gallo.
 
Watch for me next Monday night.  I'll be the sober one.

  

 

September 11, 2005

Subject:  Saints Roll – Packers next victim

 

We will once again view the game this coming Sunday at Noon, as we make Green Bay
the next sight of demolition.
You should make plans to attend as we build our superstitions en route to a perfect season, and seats become limited.  We will soon be selling out the den as enthusiasm builds.
 
Don't be discouraged by yesterday's performance.  I too expected a 3 touchdown margin.  But Cleveland offered more resistance than the rest of the league will as the Saints march tothe Super Bowl.
 
See you Sunday.  RSVP if you're coming.

 

 

 

September 5, 2005

Subject:  Saints Game Sunday

 

Forget the dismal pre-season - now it's time to crank it up in our march to
the Super Bowl and the first undefeated season since the 1972 Dolphins.
I have it on good authority Sean Payton was spotted shopping for linebackers
at Wal Mart last night.  This will put us over the top.
 
Accordingly, we will watch the first of our "Away Game" series at our house this Sunday in the glory of high definition.
 
Menu:  Probably Smoked Chicken.  Smoked on our new Big Green Egg, which Donnie convinced me I just had to have to prepare a menu worthy of a former restaurant owner.  
Also, something about distracting us from the actual football.
 
Here's the way it works:  
Someone provides the main course, this time me.  
It will eventually rotate to you if you become a regular.  These in-depth negotiations will take place prior to each game and the result will be announced via email.  I have final menu approval.  It will get more offbeat as the season progresses and we will probably get media coverage as the Saints upset one team after another.
 
YOU always bring what you're drinking.  We have water and Crystal Light, and that's about it.
Since Liz and I went on diets, we're boring and bored.  YOU also bring any snacks, desserts, etc. you feel like.  None required, but it could liven things up as the Saints march up and down the field.
 
Rules:
We don't answer the door after Noon so just walk in.
No throwing things at the TV
RSVP so I know how many chickens to slaughter.  Keep me updated.  If you told me you were coming but suddenly can't attend because Susie got a nose job, please let me know.
Otherwise I'm seasoning your food.
Guests are welcome as long as they understand the rules and know which team we root for.
For example, you would not want to bring some raving Jets fanatic who's going to talk about their Glory Day for 3 hours.  
Or worse, some Falcon fan who thinks cities made out of highways are cool.
Or a Dolphin fan who thinks Ricky Williams is the real thing,
Or a Rams fan who's going to rant because they fired Mike Martz
Or a 49'ers fan who thinks Steve Young didn't get preferential referee treatment.
Or a Buccaneer fan who thinks their Super Bowl win was anything but a fluke.
Or a Raven fan who thinks their Super Bowl win was anything but a fluke.
Or a Colts fan who thinks this is the year they don't choke.
Or a Giants fan who thinks Eli is as good as Archie.
Or a Bronco fan who thinks Shanahan can coach without Elway.
Or a Raiders fan who thinks Aaron Brooks can read his playbook, much less defenses.
Or a Vikings fan who wishes he'd been on that boat.
Or a Seahawks fan who thinks last year's Super Bowl run was anything but a fluke.
Or a Panthers fan who wants to gloat about Jake Delhomme
Or a Bills fan who is just happy he doesn't live in Buffalo anymore
Or a Browns fan who is still whining about Art Modell
Or a Patriots fan who thinks Tom Brady didn't use steroids
Or a Cowboys fan who thinks Bill Parcells doesn't use steroids.
Or a Cowboys fan who's betting the "over" on the Terrell Owens will last 8 games over/under.
Or a Titans fan who thinks they get to play USC this year.
Or a Texan fan who thinks anyone cares that they got a team.
Or a Jaguar fan who thinks getting a Super Bowl isn't going to be their forever highlight
Or a Redskins fan who thinks Joe Gibbs isn't napping during the day.
Or a Lionsfan who thinks Matt Millen understands football.
Or a Bearsfan who thinks Ditka was a good coach.
Or a Chiefs fan who thinks offensewins
Or a Bengals fan who thinks Carson Palmer will make it through the year.
Or a Charger fan who thinks Junior Seau retired
Or an Eagles fan who thinks he's seen hamstring pulls
 
 
If they're a Packers or a Steelers fan we'll probably let them come in if they keep quiet.
 
See you Sunday