Saints Report # 5 - October 11, 2015

Is your team a disappointment, stuck on the cusp of irrelevance?

The Saints have the tonic.

Been unable to get your up-tempo offense un-tracked?  We will offer little resistance.

All your dreams will come true.

Got an expensive running back who hasn’t been able to get rolling?  We will clear the lanes for him.

Is his confidence lagging?  We will supply the arm tackles that can build his confidence.

We offer a 100 yard guarantee.  Additional yards are extra.

Trouble protecting your fragile quarterback?  We will look at your offensive backfield as a wildlife preserve and not penetrate it.  Your ragtag offensive line's confidence will grow with each play.

Is your quarterback having accuracy problems?  Not a concern – we promise receivers so open a Russell Cunningham could come out of retirement and hit them.

Need to build a little character?  We may even pick off a few passes in the first half, but trust me, by the end of the game we’ll be running around more confused than Ben Carson. 

If you choose our “easy pickings” package we can put you over the 500 yard mark.

And that’s just what we offer your offense.

Defense need takeaways?  We will offer up 3 to 4 – guaranteed.

Trouble tackling?  Our running backs will run directly to your player for easy takedown. 

The lack of elusiveness and speed will turn even your average defensive players in to tackling machines.

Just to be sure, we will hold out our “quick” back until the game is almost over.

Defense having trouble against the run?  Our virtual offensive line will come to the rescue to help you stuff all lanes.

Defensive backfield slow to cover?  We’ll wait.  Will a few dropped passes help?  We won’t make any big plays to demoralize your backs.  Our receivers will stick with your backs.  We will also supply you with enough easy-to-read 1 yard passes to give you plenty of opportunities for “negative yardage” morale-builders.

Defensive line not rushing the passer like you’d like?  By the end of the day we’ll offer up enough sack opportunities to turn your defensive ends into Pro-Bowlers.  We may even give you the chance to kill the best player in our history.

Final result?  Your Eagles will win by a substantial score, something like 39-17 on your home field. 

We’ll get your fan base off your back and buy you some time, with no regard for the fact that our own clock is ticking, and it will be our most embarrassing loss in years.

We offer a turnover-back guarantee, and just enough resistance that your team won’t look at us as a laydown. 

Save your season – play the Saints.