I Don't Give a Hoot What You Think You are Entitled To

Thanks for all your emails and posts attempting to influence my vote.

As the election approaches, the two parties have been incessantly shouting at my independent ass to “wake up.”  Bad news – that’s not a great strategy.   Every four years one party is hollering that they need my help to “take back” their country from the opposite party.  Honestly, I’d like to take the country back from both of them most of the time.  Anyway, I thought I should clear up a few things so that they would understand how to get my vote, wasted though it is because I live in a non-swing state.

It grows louder every year.  “Entitlements” are killing us as a nation.  It causes many of my closest friends great resentment and consternation, and at times boiling blood pressure. Yet, I believe the elusive truth is that when it comes to entitlements, I take a back seat to no one.

I am the entitled one and don’t you forget it.

Here’s just a partial list of what I’m entitled to.  If I’ve forgotten anything, just assume it’s my right and the government is supposed to provide it:

I’m entitled to a roaring economy at all times.  I’m entitled to an endless bounty of opportunity.  If the economy is bad, fix it before I’m inconvenienced.

I’m entitled to a low unemployment rate.  In case there’s any confusion, it’s the government’s responsibility to make sure I can get a job.  I’m entitled to a job.  I want to work, just not too hard, and please be sure I get great benefits.  If my skills are useless, I’m entitled to government help to teach me new skills. 

I’m entitled to a mind numbing array of goods and services – and I want them free. 
It’s the government’s role to do whatever it takes to make me happy, up to and including borrowing obscene amounts of money, printing money, manipulating money, etc, etc. to make my life a constant joy.  You may call that deficit spending.  I call it the American way.  Think of it as pre-spending, kind of like pre-boarding.  Consider it the medication of the American Voter, Buying our votes $16 Trillion at a time. 

I’m entitled to perfect roads and bridges so I can go where I need to go.  Fix the potholes already. 

I’m entitled to cheap fuel.  I’ve got a budget you know, even if you don’t Mr. President, and I expect you to hold transportation costs down.  I’ve got places to go and things I can spend my money on when I get there. 

I’m entitled to a perpetually decreasing tax rate.  You do the voodoo – I don’t care how you do it.  Keep cutting my taxes, or at least promise me you will.  I’m gullible that way.  Also, I’m entitled to shield my money from your grubby paws with things like “tax shelters,” “charitable contributions” and “deductions” for munchkins.  In fact, if my income isn’t up to snuff, pay me for my munchkins, and pay their food and health care costs while you’re at it.  In fact, I’m entitled to not be taxed at all.  All men are created equal, but their tax rate shall vary.  

When you’re done taking everybody else’s money, I’m entitled to some grants.  I’m going to need them. 

I’m entitled to a nearly non-existent inflation rate.  Prices can’t go up, and if they do, just lie to me if you have to, like for example just exclude food and fuel when you figure the inflation rate, but whatever you do, don’t let prices go up.  I’m entitled to level expenditures and increasing revenues.  I’m entitled to disposable income to dispose of. 

I’m entitled to running my business without pesky regulations or laws.  This constant interference in the name of things like “environment” or “employees” or “anti-trust” just prevents me from “banking” and “banking” is what I’m entitled to. 

I’m entitled to a miniscule rate of interest when I borrow money.  It’s definitely helpful when free money is one of the things you’re manipulating.  Oh, and when I don’t feel like paying it back, or things aren’t working out, I like the concept of walking away from debt.  I’m entitled to that.  Somebody’s got to pay.  No reason for it to be me. 

Call me maybe?  Call me spoiled. 

I’m entitled to a low crime rate. Please see to it. 

I’m entitled to a low drop out rate.  Take care of education please, just borrow the money and those kids you’re educating will pay it back some day.  We need our kids educated so they can invent things I need. 

Oh, and by the way, I’m entitled to a Supreme Court that interprets laws exactly the way I want them interpreted.  They confuse me sometimes and I don’t like that.  It makes me whine a lot, and I’d rather be drinking wine.  I’m entitled to that. 

I’m entitled to a safety net that will pay me back multiples of what I put in.  Send the tab to the other table please.  Don’t trouble me with the math.  It’s not my fault I might live longer than expected. 

I’m entitled to a perfect environment, and a never-changing planet.  Or, if it’s changing, please make sure I’m more comfortable, not less. 

I’m entitled to a President that will make all this happen.  There are a billion people that think they can do that job better than whoever is in there, and I’m one of those people.  If he’ll just do what I’d do, things would be a lot better, and I’m entitled to perfection.  By the way, even if things go perfectly I’m going to bitch and complain.  Odds are my life is miserable and you’re to blame, Mr. President.  For everything.  If you can’t accept the fact that you’re responsible for every single thing in America, stay out of that White House kitchen. 

I’m entitled to security.  I’m entitled to the strongest military in the world and it should be solving all the problems in the world because I don’t really have time.  Put that on the tab.  I’m entitled to not have to think about “foreign” and “policy,” so please handle that stuff without my involvement.  I’m entitled to concentrate on the important things in the world, like Kardashians, sports, my new iphone, Honey Boo-Boo, whatever that is. 

I’m entitled to an endless supply of technology that makes my life easier.  Eventually I don’t want to get out of bed.  Just bring me stuff.  I’m entitled to bigger and bigger televisions.  Eventually I just want to live IN the television.  That way I can live with the Kardashians. 

I’m entitled to some social reform by the way.  I’m entitled to an endless array of promises by you politicians on how you’ll fix things.  I’m entitled to hear what I want to hear.  Keep promising me things that I want to get my vote, even though you really have no intention of, or ability to, change them.  You’ve been promising action on abortion for 40 years now, and no telling how many candidates I’ve voted for based on their view on that subject – yet nothing has changed.  Rome’s on fire and we’re discussing the fiddle.   Please keep my eye off the ball.  I want our financial meltdown to be a complete surprise.  I can say I voted for the guy who was against “don’t ask, don’t tell,” whatever the hell that means.  Someday that will be the title of the Chapter on the US default to China. 

I’m entitled to protection from evil people who do things in one room in their house, behind their closed doors, that I find deviant.  These people are threats to our way of life. 
You know who I’m talking about. 
I’m talking about vegetarians.  We can’t allow what they do in the kitchen to infect our society.  It’s un-American to not eat meat.  It’s also made clear in Romans 14:2  “For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.”  Herbs?  We can’t support America by eating herbs.  You see, these vegetarians, and what they are doing in their kitchens, are making my life unbearable.  They are weak, and a threat to the very fabric of America.  Soon, they will want to marry each other and we will have generations of people like them, killing off our cows.  They must be stopped, and we need candidates who will not allow Vegetarian marriage before I have to watch them in public, sucking on each other’s carrots.  I’m just as entitled to dictating what goes on in their kitchen as I am to dictating women’s health issues, because I have unmatched insight.

That reminds me.  I’m entitled to subsidies.  If my business isn’t viable, it’s the government’s job to prop me up and manipulate my market to protect me.  At the same time, I’m entitled to a free market.  I’m getting confused.  Just send me a check.

I’m entitled to use any means to reach the ends in this election.  The truth is a casualty of this society.  There is no truth anymore.  Suppress, lie, balance, truth, cheat, steal, facts, statistics.  They are all just useless words.  I’m entitled to get my way, as soon as I decide.  If I don’t get my way, I’m entitled to at least four years of pouting and undermining the bad guy who wins. 

I’m entitled to defend myself.  I’m entitled to any weapons I want to own, just like guaranteed in the constitution.  I’m entitled to return fire on some bozo shooting up the joint.

Speaking of the constitution, I’m entitled to freedom from all religions except mine.

Since there are so many religions to choose from, I’ll just go with the consensus commandments I’ve observed:

1. Thou shalt have no God before Money
2. Thou shalt not honor anyone not in the same skin color
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord they God in vain outside the sports arena
4. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy except in football season
5. Honor thy mother.  And thy father if you know him
6. Thou shalt not kill the unborn.  Once born, they’re fair game.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught
8. Thou shalt not steal votes
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness in a non-election year
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s stuff unless it was an entitlement.

So, let me summarize.  If you need a guideline, let this be it. 

As an American, I’m entitled to get back more than I contribute.   

I’m entitled to that kind of math because I live in the greatest country ever and the supply is endless.

Convince me I’m going to get back more than I put in and you’ll get my vote.  Don’t try to convince me it’s right for America, just that it’s right for me.

There, I’m done. 
Hopefully I’ve offended everyone, and you’ve learned there’s no one more entitled than me.
I’ve exercised the freedom of speech I’m entitled to, and I’ll be deciding whom to vote for real soon. 

In the meantime, if I’ve left anything out, please let me know.

Wait, forgot one thing.  I’m entitled to the left lane at all times.