You’ll like this movie if
a. you like to sit on the edge of your seat
b. you don’t mind a damsel in distress
c. especially when the damsel is Kate Beckinsale
Kate Beckinsale month kicked off with this smuggling yarn. Fresh from his retroactive stopping of 9/11 Mark Wahlberg stakes his claim as the next Bruce Willis in this fast paced thriller. In fact, this movie is so fast paced it’s like watching your DVR with your hand on the fast forward button, making it quite the crowd pleaser.
Here’s my problem. Bad guy (with bad New Orleans accent) threatens Markie Mark’s family, including Kate Beckinsale who is strangely helpless as his wife. Mark goes to see him. Grabs guy, beats him a little, sticks gun in his face and says if he ever threatens his family again, Markie will kill him. Should’ve done it right there. Boom, 10 minute movie. Instead Markie goes on a ridiculously impossible smuggling mission to get the guy off his back. Would’ve been much easier to just kill the guy, but then you’d have only paid a dollar. Instead you pay $8 to be entertained for 90 minutes in typically ridiculous action style, but then you knew that going in and that’s why you went, and you’ll probably leave happy.
Underworld Awakening - 7
You’ll like this movie if you like
a. Kate Beckinsale
b. bloodsuckers
c. either in 3 D
Full disclosure. Still haven’t seen a Harry Potter movie, a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, a Lord of the Rings movie, or a Twilight movie. But I’ve seen all 4 of these Underworld puppies. Call me sick, call me crazy, call me, Kate, please, anytime. We’ll talk.
Kate and her piercing blue eyes play Selene, a vampire who has been gifted with a) the ability to jump real high, and b) the ability to kill Lycans (werewolves.) You see, the Vampires and Lycans have been at war for centuries, or 4 movies now. Lycan transformation is a really cool special effect by the way, except for the fact that it’s blasé in today’s movie world where every movie looks like a video game, which was my distinct impression after watching the 20 minutes of coming attractions. The previews at action movies will numb you. I counted 400 explosions, and that was before they told me to turn off my cell phone.
Anyway, Selene got frozen, woke up to a few surprises, and re-commenced to fighting the Lycans with the added problem that humans are hunting both species. Anyway, it’s non-stop action (lots of jumping) with the exception of when Kate is squatting and piercing with her blues. She does that a lot, and I couldn’t help but think of the director saying, “ok today we’re going to a do a squatting and starring ominously scene, make sure she’s got those blue contacts in.”
Decent continuation of the story, good effects, good fight scenes, not a great movie but I enjoyed it because I like the series and would heartily endorse the making of a Fathead wall decal, NFL Style, of Kate Beckinsale in her piercing blue-eye squat.
The Artist - 8
You’ll like this movie if you like
a. movie history
b. good stories
c. expressive acting
I’ll admit a fascination with silent movies. My love of movies was enhanced when I took a cinema class in college and saw the Gish sisters in Orphans of the Storm. I famously dragged my wife and son to a silent double feature with a live piano accompaniment. The legendary movies (Battleship Potemkin and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari) were fantastic. The experience was fantastic. My family will prove this by rolling their eyes whenever I bring it up.
So, with the positive buzz and numerous awards generated by this movie, I was looking forward to it. I was a little surprised by the predictability of it all and more than a little distressed by the girl with the high hair sitting in front of me who blocked me in a pretty full theatre. I changed seats, and so did she as if to maintain her advantage.
If you’ve seen Singing in the Rain, you’ll know the basic premise of this neat little exercise. The talkies are coming in with the depression, and the movie stars are realigning. We know where it’s going – it seems to take an awfully long time to get there. You couldn’t have improved on the performances. Everyone’s terrific, from the actors to the scene stealing dog. It’s a great 60 minute movie stretched to 100 minutes that seemed like 120. But if you long for a time when the movies were kinder and gentler, this is the movie for you. It’s a loving tribute to the early days of cinema and it’s destined to clean up in awards season.
One for the Money – 1
You’ll like this movie if you like
a. some book character named Stephanie Plum
b. insipid dialogue and plot
c. being seen in public coming out of a bad movie
Apparently there’s a popular series of books featuring a bounty hunter named Stephanie Plum. The noon matinee was packed with fans, mostly women dragging their unsuspecting husbands. They giggled throughout because they knew the characters. If you didn’t know the characters , trust me, you still don’t. Katherine Heigl, who’s lovely to look at, couldn’t develop a character in a dark room, and she’s an executive producer here, so I’m sure that she’ll make boatloads of money. She shouldn’t be encouraged. This movie doesn’t rise to the standard of a bad, really bad Lifetime movie. There’s not a believable moment, portrayal, character, location, plot device or line of dialogue, in this, one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.
The only chance this movie had was to be silent, like The Artist. Then I could have just looked at Heigl. The background noise would have been the Snoring Husbands, which, as Dave Barry says, would make a great name for a rock band.
Every year I rank every movie I see all year. It’s only January and the basement has been established.
Haywire – 7
You’ll like this movie if you like
a. Beautiful Newcomers
b. Women beating up men
c. Authentic looking fight action
Gina Carana is the beautiful newcomer straight from mixed martial arts. She plays a betrayed black ops contractor and she can fight, so she looks very authentic as she kicks ass. Director Stephen (I put music in the strangest places) Soderbergh knows exactly how he wants to film her many bouts and he does a good job in scene after realistic fight scene.
The familiar Oceans 11/Soderbergh vibe is here, even if the story is a little thin. We’ll see Gina again and if it’s as her character here, Mallory Kane, it will be fine with me. A little kick-ass now and then never hurt anybody. Except the kickee.
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